Sometimes life is a bitter pill. You make plans, you devise ideas of how things in your life should go, and then the world throws several rusty wrenches into your well oiled machine. Like all things that machine breaks down and your production line comes to a screeching halt. This, my friends, has been my life for the last month and a half.
My life truly has become a veritable Catch-22. My financial situation has forced me to take a second job for the betterment of my families life. Ergo, I need time to make money, but the writer side of me screams that I need money to make time for writing. Like one paradoxical chain of frustration, I find myself quickly becoming embittered to far more things than I ever thought myself.
I work two jobs for a total of sixty-five hours a week. I see my wife and kids for aproximately two hours a day, before collapsing from exhaustion. For my regular readers, you guys know that I have never gone this long without blogging, and for that I am truly sorry. I want to do so many things, but the sheer thought of the work and energy that they require binds my hands and tapes my mouth shut like a victim about to be raped by the phalanx of life.
I wanted to do NaNoWriMo again this year. I had been drafting and planning for weeks, and for the first time in months I felt like my story was going to actually have focus and purpose. Now I watch my ideas sit in a notebook, growing stagnant like a pool of blood that my time and soul had wrought.
In case my myriad of analogies have failed to make their point, I hate my life. I see no way to escape this paradox. I need to write to get myself out of this situation, but my financial responsibilities stop me from making the money I need to support the only possible escape I can foresee. I don’t hate the people around me, nor their actions, in fact I revel in my twitter acquaintances tweets about their NaNo successes, and a real life friend is actually working on the final read through of the novel he has been slaving over for at least two years now, and I couldn’t be happier for him, but I feel no joy in life without time to creatively express the words my soul longs to sing.
I thought I could still manage NaNo this year by writing on my breaks and lunch at my full-time job, then I could type them up for an hour a day at home, but even my lunches at my job are consumed by my work. I really have no idea how to get out of this machine.
I truly apologize for this blog, which as I complete I feel has become little more than a rant, but I wanted to let you guys all know that I had not died and I wanted your suggestions. How do you starving artists and writers do it? For those of you with families, how do you find the time and resources to take care of them and still support your creativity? Any help and ideas will not be turned away.
Lastly, before anybody gets too upset with me for my comments, understand that I do know that I have much to be thankful for, it’s just hard to remain thankful when the weight of everything else keeps pressing down on me.
Thanks to those of you that still support me, and I look forward to your comments.